Losing a treasured toy, having to go to be early (or on time), or not being able to have dessert for breakfast -- potential disasters are everywhere when you’re a child!
Children have limited control over their world and that’s a necessary fact. They depend on us to think and to act long-term because their brains have not yet developed that capacity.
Everything works out in the long run, but how do you help kids in the here and now when they are sad, disappointed and angry?
Bear in mind that a child deals with disappointment differently than adults. Adults process bad news by assessing what can and can not be changed and then either taking remedial action or accepting the inevitable (at least, that’s our goal).
Children are not yet fully rational. They only see the letdown and that leads to tears and anger. Until somewhere around the age of five or six, most children simply can’t hold two opposed thoughts at the same. They can’t console themselves by saying: “I can’t have ice cream but these eggs are yummy.”
Instead, a child’s mind will try to fix the problem by using the solutions they have at hand. “I want to go outside even though it’s raining. I know that when I cry I sometimes get what I want, so I’ll make a fuss until Dad takes me outside.” Children don’t have a large toolkit so they use the tools they have.
So now you have a child who’s genuinely sad and who is also aware that Dad doesn’t like to see his daughter be sad. What comes next? It’s tempting to give in to a demand. And for parents who don’t give in, a sustained outburst can be irritating and even angering.
But punishing a sad child for his or her outburst to prove a point just perpetuates the cycle of sadness and anger. It’s not particularly effective in either the short term or the long term.
One thing we can do is to deliver bad news privately and personally. Get down on your child’s eye level, make direct eye contact, and quietly but clearly deliver the news. Literally speaking down to a child is as bad as doing so metaphorically.
Verbally walk through both the news and your child’s feelings. “Our playdate with your best friend is canceled because Timmy is sick. I know you will be angry and disappointed and that’s okay. I am here for you.” You can’t magically fix everything, but you can lend a warm hug and a loving hand.
If your child cries, support her but resist the urge to simply make the problem disappear. Again, our role as parents and educators is to think long-term. Our children have to learn to deal with sadness, to process their emotions, and to get through moments of intense disappointment on their own.
These are painful teaching moments for us but they are important for our children. Sometimes, the best we can do is to create a safe and loving environment that allows our kids to go through their moments of crisis.
Always remind your children through your actions that you are there for them even when you can’t fix every little problem.
Trust in yourself and in your child. The storm of anger and sadness will pass. Each time it does, your child is a little further along his or her path toward becoming a fully-rounded person who can deal with and overcome adversity and challenge.
1.SAFETY TIPS FOR WATER AND THE SUN
2.EDITOR LETTER Dear Dads (from All Moms)
3.This is the first letter I have ever written to Daniel
International Sunshine Home is Xiamen’s premier bilingual Montessori school. Our qualified teachers and small class sizes help your child grow up in a safe and happy environment. We welcome you to visit us in person to find out more. Simply reply to our WeChat and send us your name and your child’s name along with your phone number.
International Sunshine Home Arts & Sciences